ORPHNE'S WILL-BENDING ATTEMPT #1:
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orphne: I THINK YOU SHOULD DO A MEME WHERE LOTS OF PEOPLE COMMENT.me: I have done too many memes lately!
orphne: 
I love memes. You could do the snap cups one, or something that would
entice people to comment. Well, except the anon confession one, because
that is either depressing or incestuous. Or! You could do that "I'm
going to make a comment about 10 people, except I won't say who they
are" one, except you could make it like 200 people! And include people
not on your friends list!! I LIKE THAT ONE.me:
Right. I shall just write out confessions for 200-people, and ask
everyone to comment in ways that don't involve sleeping with their
siblings. You ask the impossible.(some time later.)
Attempt #2:
orphne:
HELLO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO? YOU SHOULD FORCE FANDOM TO PUT ON A
H/D MUSICAL. IT IS UNFAIR THAT ALL THESE ANIME FANDOMS GET RANDOM CRACK
MUSICALS.me:
An H/D musical would NOT be a good idea. Draco and his henchmen singing
rousing comedic numbers in the tradition of Don Giovanni and Leporello.
Harry singing ballads about his lonely life. Death Eaters doing jazz.
The Sorting Hat doing a tapdance.orphne: AND HOW IS THAT NOT AWESOME? 
Voldemort could sing one of those ballady things like On My Own. Think of all the pretty spotlights!Me:
Voldemort is not On His Own. He has Nagini.(some time later)
Attempt #3:
Orphne: h/d should never be a metaphor for life
me: i am trying to figure out what it could be a metaphor for. life is your worst enemy and it's fucking you relentlessly and eventually will screw you and kill you?
Orphne: that is depressing
me: it is. Life is your worst enemy and you think it sucks, but if you just open your eyes it could be the best thing that ever happened to you?
orphne:
can't draco just be a veela?orphne: and his mate is harry?
me:
he should be!orphne: but without the mpreg
me: One day Draco Malfoy woke to discover he had been transformed into a hideous insect.
me: I mean, a gorgeous Veela.
Draco spent the next three days fending off students wherever he went. People crowded him in halls and the Slytherin escort he had paid to protect him failed miserably when Blaise and Theodore both tried to jump him at once along with everyone else.
Draco was attempting to dig himself out from beneath the pile of panting, sweaty bodies when an unmistakable laugh sounded from across the corridor, and the hair on his arms stood up all over.
"Having problems, Malfoy?" Draco could hear the sneer in Potter's voice even amid the drone of lovestruck adolescents clamoring for his attention. As quickly as he could Draco struggled out of the mass towards Potter's voice, cursing the disheveled, unruly state in which his accosters had left his hair.
orphne: on his arms?
me: sdjlkasdjkl no, his other hair.
orphne: oh
orphne: I wish arm hair were sexy
me: but that too, if you'd prefer.
orphne: okay!
It was horrid enough that in the middle of his own humiliation he couldn't at least enjoy the humiliation of Harry Potter bowing and scraping and trying to get close to him like everyone else. Nooo, Potter had to of course be the only one not affected by the fact that Draco suddenly had wings and a giant ethereal glow.
orphne: WINGS
And for that matter, good god, not that Draco had been trying to impress that idiot, but in the event that he had, just what on earth would it take to impress Potter? Honestly: WINGS AND A HALO. And for all Draco knew he could also levitate and eat fire. He doubted any of these things would make a dent in the brutish armor that was Potter's lack of sensitivity and intelligence, a fact that only pissed him off more as he shook free of a Ravenclaw sixth-year who clung to his leg, and crossed to where Potter stood smirking at him.
Potter tilted his head and smirked some more. "So you're a Veela, then?" he said.
Draco rolled his eyes and pointedly gave his wings a violent flap. "Brava to you for your speedier-than-usual perception of the obvious."
orphne: did his wings tear through his clothing?
me: he already had holes.
orphne: ah
me: specially cut and all.
orphne: kdjflskajfdak;f
Potter eyed him coolly. "You look like a greeting card."
"A what?" Draco snapped.
"A--never mind," said Potter. "Look, do you need help getting to class? I'd like to see the look on Snape's face when I do you a favor, and I'd love you to help Gryffindor earn points, and nobody else will do it, so if you need to be escorted--"
"What I need, Potter, is for you to--" Draco began, and then stopped, because Potter was suddenly sort of hot. And sort of as in very. "--for you to..." And his eyes were a sort of pearlescent green behind his glasses, which was ridiculous because nobody had pearlescent green eyes, and Draco heard himself try again--"I need you--" and trail off in an attempt to get closer to the actual shade of Harry's stupid eyes, before suddenly something was mashing their mouths together, and Potter was screeching but also sort of kissing back, which was even hotter, and also, really terribly all wrong.
orphne: ........
me: you ...'d at me.
me: it is the screeching.
orphne: screeching
orphne: he sort of sounds like a harpy
me: one can screech and kiss at once.
orphne: really?
me: yes
orphne: it seems difficult
me: it is just a more nasally screech, is all.
orphne: ....., so nasal screeching
me: while kissing, yes.
orphne: I see
orphne: how very hot, yet also really terribly wrong
me: precisely. shall we return to the story? you're like fred savage in the princess bride.
orphne: :))
"Hear that, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels. I mean, the screeching eels."
me: I have now lost my place entirely.
"Draco," said Harry dazedly, "I can't be your Veela bride."
orphne: surely draco would be the bride! wings outgay almost everything.
"Why not," Draco muttered. "You certainly look the part. Not now, I mean, but when we fit you for the dress."
"Because," said Harry, flailing, and also sort of cuddling at the same time, which was at least as simultaneously endearing and impressive as the screeching/kissing thing. "Voldemort. Villains. World-saving." He flailed some more.
Draco kissed him on the nose.
AWWW Draco kissed Harry on the nose! Harry blushed. "I don't think I'm the girl in this relationship," he muttered.
orphne: ......... is the AWWWW part of the fic?
me: No, the awww is me! perhaps I can put in an editor's note.
orphne: well, it could be one of those author notes.
"You're so gallant," he said approvingly. "I admire that in a life partner." [EDIT: AWWWW DRACO. so kawai! ^^~~!]
orphne: hahahahahaha
orphne: YOU SHOULD HAVE THEM SPEAK IN FANGIRL JAPANESE
"I shall help you find Voldemort," said Draco. He kissed Harry's delicate fingertips, and Harry's blush spread below his collarbone. "I can help you find the last Horcrux!"
"As usual, you leap to ridiculous decisions that jeopardize the lives of everyone you care about," Snape snarled, entering their bedroom with a fierce scowl.
orphne: when did they get to a bedroom?
me: I skipped ahead.
orphne: I did think they were moving rather quickly
me: i cut the boring parts.
"Hey," said Harry, as if he were offended. "Don't talk to him like that. Baka," he added for good measure. Snape, who did not speak Fangirl Japanese, did not bother to respond.
"Severus, you can't talk me out of going with Harry," said Draco, lacing his arm around Harry's slim white waist. "We're going to find the last Horcrux, and then we'll be together, forever." His wings fluttered in anticipation.
"That may be a problem," said Snape, "as the last Horcrux is right here." He tugged one of Draco's wings violently.
Harry made a small noise of surprise, and then said, "Ew. Does that mean if I have sex with you I'm having sex with Voldemort?" at the same time Draco yelped, "MY WINGS ARE NOT A HORCRUX! I WOULD KNOW!"
"Oh, please," snapped Snape. "Do you really think you would be interested in Harry Potter as a mate for any other reason on earth? Use your head, Draco. Voldemort is controlling your judgment and your desires through your gradually developing appendages. A very clever but very ancient and difficult spell of association that must have taken years to master."
Harry and Draco exchanged glances.
"Wait," Draco said. "So I only think you are hot because the Dark Lord thinks you're hot?"
Harry's face fell slightly.
Draco grimaced. "CHOP THEM OFF," he yelled.
~~~~~~~
"Feel anything?" Harry asked curiously.
"YES. PAIN," screeched Draco. Snape held one of his wings distastefully at arm's length before dropping it in the trash. The other wing fluttered frantically as if aware Voldemort's power was about to come into an end.
Harry aimed the sword of Gryffindor squarely at Draco's back. There was a blinding flash, and then silence.
"You're all stumpy," Harry said after a moment. "Ew."
"Fine," Draco muttered, dropping with relief into a chair. "You can sleep on the couch tonight so I won't bleed on you."
Harry's face cleared. "Really?" he said. "I mean. You still--really?"
"Oh, thank god," Draco said in relief. "I still possess my magnetic charm!"
Harry rolled his eyes, and handed Draco a handkerchief.
And they lived happily ever after.
THE END.